Maximizing Rewards With Self Storage

By: Jason Steele

06/23/2010

Maximizing Rewards With Self Storage

Every time I see a self storage center, I always wonder what’s inside, and who stores their stuff there. In the movies, it is always some long lost clue to an unresolved mystery. Of course, in reality, self storage is just one way that people minimize moving expenses or to save money while they are out of town.

Leveraging Self Storage Payments

I have a friend who lives back east, but is in school here in Colorado. He is going on a study abroad program next year before returning to school here, and it is simply to difficult and expensive to bring all of his winter clothing, bicycles, and ski gear back east, and then back to Colorado when his studies resume here. He found a Denver self storage company to keep all of his gear while he is out of the country. By doing so, he is saving money he would have spent on shipping costs, airline luggage fees, or driving across the country.

Now let’s take a look at how he can pay for it. Like many companies, they will accept cash, credit cards, or automatic payments from a bank. By setting up an automatic payment on his credit card, he is going to receive cash back or reward points every month. If he pays with cash, check, or an automatic payment from his bank, he gets nothing. If he is really skillful, he will choose a credit card that has a closing date near the end of the month. That way, when the charge hits his account on the first of the month, he will have an extra month before the payment is actually due. This is cash flow management technique used by deadbeats, which is credit card industry slang for people who pay their bills in full to avoid interest.

Also, since he is going to be overseas, it will be much easier for him to pay the one credit card bill, than to worry about other forms of bill payment to other billers. So in addition to getting miles or cash back, he is getting his bills managed easier as well.

Other Ways Self Storage Minimizes Recurring Bills

Until he found the self storage option, his only other choice was to continue to pay rent and utilities on his apartment, which would have cost a lot more. I actually was in a similar situation when I was in college, and returned home every summer. Later in my career, I had to take a month long training class out of town, just as my apartment was reaching the end of it’s lease, and I was looking to move. In that situation as well, I was able to store all of my stuff for a month while I was out of town, which was vastly less expensive than paying rent and utilities at an apartment. When I returned from my training, my stuff was ready for me to move into my new apartment.

Low Interest Calculator

By: Mr Credit Card

06/19/2010

Below is a list of credit cards with low ongoing APR (ie interest rates). The lowest among the list has an APR of 7.25%. We’ve decided to make the cut off point at 10.99% (otherwise the list could go on and on forever). One thing to note is that some cards have just one absolute low rate while other cards has a range of rates that you could be approved of depending on your credit.

We’ve also created a calculator to calculate the savings you could get by switching from your card (assuming it has a higher rate). The savings will come from any 0% APR offer for purchases and from an ongoing low rate. For cards with a range of APR, we use the lowest.

[jazzy form=”low_interestcalculator”]

USA Catching Up

By: Jason Steele

06/18/2010

The USA is finally catching up to the rest of the world. No, I do not mean that we are becoming soccer fans. I am not even referring to today’s come from behind stolen victory at World Cup match against Slovenia. I am talking about our credit card technology.

Last year I wrote that America was the Backwater of Credit Card Technology as we did not have the “chip and pin” feature in any of our credit cards. As the name implies, the credit card has a computer chip in it, and you also have to enter your PIN number. Sounds great, but it hasn’t been deployed here yet. Unfortunately, I am still been reading reports of Americans having difficulty using their cards overseas. This article in the USA Today points out:

“The problem is particularly acute at automated kiosks in Europe, such as the vending machines at regional rail stations and bicycle rental racks in Paris, parking meters in parts of London, toll roads and gas stations, all of which accept only chip-and-PIN cards. And the problem could get worse. More unattended pay stations are appearing in Europe.

Visa says most payment terminals in countries that have adopted chip-payment technology can still process U.S. cards. Visa advises American travelers to present their cards to attendants “in the rare instance that a card holder encounters a problem” at self-service machines.”

See the problem here. When your card doesn’t work at an unattended toll road or gas station, all you need to do is see the attendant! No doubt the non-existent attendant is fluent in English as well.

Help May Be On The Way

A reader over at the Upgrade Travel Better blog tells Mark Ashley that the United Nations Credit Union will soon be the first in the states to offer a Visa with “chip and PIN” technology. It makes obvious sense that the UN would deploy something like this first, as I imagine it’s members travel quite a bit. It’s not much, but it is a start.

Let’s face it, credit cards are part of a global system, and I have to fault the major companies for rolling out this system on one continent but not another. How hard would it have been to include the Chip in new credit cards globally, even if the retail side is only deployed regionally?

It is time for the industry to get it’s act together technologically. Perhaps they could even highlight the latest technological advances to justify what retailers perceive as excessive swipe fees. In fact, I have the perfect slogan,

“Take the Swipe out of Swipe fees!”

Unauthorized Charges on Credit Cards

By: Mr Credit Card

Hi,

So I lost my card twice already in a matter of 3 months and both times someone used it. I was just wondering what is going to happen in my dad’s credit history? Will his credit history be affected by this? Rose

ANSWER:

Rose,

I am guessing that maybe your father is either a cosigner for the card or you are an authorized user. Whichever is the case, losing your credit card does not affect his credit history.

It is important when you lose your credit card that you report it as lost to the credit company as soon as possible. If any unauthorized charges are made after you report it as missing, neither you nor your dad will be responsible for the charges. If charges are made before you report the card as lost, you will most likely be responsible for the maximum amount of $50 per card that is used.

Equally important of course is keeping track of your credit card. Maybe if you seem to lose it while carrying it with you, it would be better to leave it at home unless you know you will need it. Pay close attention to your statements after you have lost your card to make sure there are no further unauthorized charges. If there are, make sure you report them to your credit card company immediately.

Hope this helps.

How to Establish Credit as a New Immigrant

By: Mr Credit Card

06/17/2010

Sir, Running 5 months, I came in USA from Bangladesh, by the diversity visa program of US government, and win the lottery of this visa. At present I am not working, because from this month my wife and her elder sister starts a business (eyebrow threading), now she is working there. Now the owner of eyebrow threading business is My brother in law, near future he transfer ownership to my wife’s name. now, I am in my brother-in law’s house. I have a boy, age 2 yrs. Mr. tutul’s have a boy age 2 yrs. We hope, income from the threading business is monthly $6000. In day time I have to stay at home for look after the two kids, I am searching a night job. Mr. tutul’s have a purfume business. I try to inform you details information, in this situation I need a credit card, to rent a house and others or build up my credit score, so please help me, what can I do.

ANSWER:

Congratulations on what sounds like a great start in the USA. In order to begin establishing credit you have a couple options you can try.

One suggestion I have is to try to get a card with the bank or credit union that you bank with. Sometimes they will assist you obtaining a credit card if you have an established bank account with them.
Otherwise you will probably need to obtain a secured card. Secured cards are usually guaranteed approval cards that require a security deposit and are the most common method for people with no credit or bad credit to begin to establish or reestablish their credit histories. Secured cards may have application fees and monthly fees, although you may be able to find one that does not. You will need to deposit a required amount of money similar to a bank account and then when you use your card, which can usually be used anywhere that accepts unsecured credit cards, you will be purchasing with the funds you have deposited on the card.

You may want to browse the page on secured credit cards for more information and reviews to help determine which and if a secured credit card will work out for your needs.

Best of luck to you and your family!

The CARD Act Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

By: Jason Steele

06/16/2010

The CARD Act is the greatest piece of consumer finance legislation in my life time. I have written dozens of articles here in support of it when it was a bill, and many more articles praising it when it became law. No, banks did not stop offering frequent flier miles and cash back since CARD became effective. To the contrary, banks are now making less money off of fees from tricks and traps, so they are marketing even more aggressively towards high spenders with great credit who pay their bills. This has meant that we are seeing more sign up bonuses worth two or more round trip domestic airline tickets.

CARD Rolls On

Most of the provisions of the CARD Act became effective earlier this year, but I just read about a new feature of the law that will only be taking effect this summer. The CARD Act mandates that the Federal Reserve Board take steps to curb unfair fees and other practices. In this press release, they outline some new changes that are going into effect beginning on August 22d.

The new rules include:

A $25 cap on late fees.
Late fees may not exceed the minimum payment or the total amount owed.
A ban on inactivity fees.
A ban on assessing multiple penalty fees for a single missed payment.
A request that credit card issuers reconsider rate increases from last year, before the CARD Act became effective.

What Does This Mean For You?

No more $39 late fees. The Federal Reserve Board decided that $25 was reasonable, and I think that is a fair compromise. Better yet, they took the common sense approach of prohibiting the fee from exceeding the amount owed. As it stands now, you could owe a $39 late fee on a $5 outstanding balance, which is outrageous. For lower income people who (hopefully) have lower balances, they would not see a $25 late fee because their minimum payment is likely to be less.

The “inactivity fee” is a really bizarre thing. Some banks have recently started adding an annual fee of a few dollars to cards that have not been used in 12 months. This brings up the question, why does anyone have a card they are not using? Some may keep the card as a backup, or not cancel it on purpose to have a longer credit card history. Much more likely is the possibility that the cardholder simply forgot they had the card. The fee is typically waived if the cardholder just cancels their card anyways. Either way, it doubtful that all the “inactivity fees” collected by any one bank equals the salary of a single customer service representative. Nevertheless, it is good that the Fed is killing this fee before this idea became popular and was implemented on cards that were inactive for less than a year, or cardholders that did not spend a minimum amount.

I am not sure about the part of multiple penalty fees for a single missed payment. I assume some bank must be doing it, so it can only be a good thing that the Fed has prohibited this.

As for the request that banks re-evaluate interest rate hikes, this is the most controversial part of the new rules. According to this article in the USA Today, Gail Hillebrand, attorney for Consumers Union, said in a statement:

“The Fed should be commended for prohibiting inactivity fees and imposing some clear limits on penalty fees when customers are late making their payments, But the Fed missed an opportunity to require a rollback of all the outrageous interest rate hikes consumers have been slammed with in recent years.”

I agree with her that it would have been better if the Fed rolled back interest rates, but I am not sure that they even had the power to do so. Dictating a rollback is a pretty brute force measure, and the banks would have pushed back in the courts as regulatory powers are not easy to exercised retroactively.

The hike in interest rates leading up to the effective date of the CARD Act was one of the biggest failures of the legislation. Consumers rightfully concluded that banks were getting in their last licks while they still could. It was as if a judge let a serial criminal free on no bail for a few months to seek revenge on his enemies before serving his sentence. The interest rate hikes were dramatic, and bore little resemblance to any market forces at that time of record low interest rates elsewhere. It will be interesting to see if some banks actually do reconsider interest rates on cards. I am not optimistic.

Upsells From Pay Day Loans

By: Mr Credit Card

This was a recent email from Rose (a reader) – which I got permission to publish.

I recently applied for a payday loan online from “East Side lenders” part of the deal was a credit card from USA Credit, I meant to call and cancel that offer 3 days in advance but forgot. Subsequently my bank account was charged $149.95. when I called to cancel I was confronted by a very rude representative who almost read me the riot act for not wanting their online credit card! She was annoying obnoxious and asked inappropriate questions about why I wanted to cancel! Finally I did get my confirmation nbr for cancellation and refund however they charge $35 to cancel… And say it will take a week for confirmation of payment they just took before you get your refund and then you get charged $35 to cancel!
What a ripoff!!

Comments like that really piss me off. But I guess the lesson here is to be aware of any “deals that are attached to another deal!”. These types of marketing arrangements are so common in many businesses. Many “small time” credit reporting companies sell their subscription with fine prints that you will be joining a membership as well unless you opt out. Read the fine prints before you sign up for anything and beware of deals that require you to give your email!

Has anyone had a similar experience with Pay Day Loans?

Consumerist: Take A Side On The "Swipe Fee" Debate

By: Jason Steele

06/14/2010

I can still clearly remember the first time I found The Consumerist web page. It was revelation that there was a web site entirely devoted to pointed yet snarky advocacy on behalf of consumers. On the day I first found The Consumerist, I must have spent hours going back through their archives. Although they seem to have lost their Consumer focus lately (“Does Your Neighborhood Need An Adults-Only Swimming Pool?“), I still find time to read them every day.

Wrong Turn On Swipe Fees

One of the great things about The Consumerist has always been their complete immunity to corporate propaganda. While the rest of the media is mollified by the suggestion that a company is “taking your concerns seriously,” The Consumerist is the first to call BS and dig a bit deeper beyond the company line.

That is why it is so disappointing to see The Consumerist does not have a clear picture of the swipe fee debate. Take a look at their latest post on the subject, “Why Don’t I Get The Cash Discount For Gas When I Pay With My Debit Card?” Here, the author, Laura Northrop comes to the correct conclusion that “Swiping a card, credit or debit, will always cost merchants money, no matter what kind of account the money comes from on your end.” This is correct, the merchant pays the swipe fees, not the consumer.

At the bottom of her post, Laura was kind enough to list other articles in which The Consumerist has considered the nature of swipe fees, and sadly, the authors of those articles have contradicted her.

In this post, The Hidden Fee That Happens Every Time You Swipe Your Credit Card, Ben Popkin claims that “over the past 10 years, while the technological costs of processing transactions has gone down, interchange fees have more than doubled? A cost that then gets passed on to you in the form of higher prices.” This is not the full story. In fact, you can read my post where I found that even the claim that only half of the cost of swipe fees are passed on to the consumer is probably way too high.

Unfortunately, Phil Villarreal swallows the corporate propaganda hook line and singer when he says “A business executive interviewed in the story says as things now stand, businesses are forced to pass credit card fees on to all customers.”

The truth is that retail prices are set by the market, and do not bear a direct correlation with swipe fees or any other cost of doing business that a retailer faces.

In his article, Senate May Break “Price Fixing” On Credit Card Swipe Fees, Popken glosses over many of the problems for consumers with the Durbin Amendment, yet fortunately he does point out that “it could mean less flexibility for consumers who like to use their cards for small purchases.”

Why Swipe Fees Are Good For Consumers

I have a credit card with no annual fee. I pay for goods and services with it and at the end of the month, I pay my balance in full and it costs me nothing. In fact, I get cash back or loyalty points in addition to all sorts of benefits that my credit card grants me such as rental car insurance and the opportunity to charge back purchases I did not receive. These benefits are not free as Ben Popken points out “In other words, the Quickie Mart is paying for your “free” airline miles.”

We as consumers, are also benefiting from the credit card network’s rules that say that retailers cannot set a minimum or maximum purchase requirement or charge a surcharge for the use of their cards. It is doubtful that credit cards would have gain acceptance in the absence of these rules.

The retailers hate these fees to put it mildly. It costs retailers more every time we use a credit card instead of cash. They like to think of them as a tax on all of their sales made through credit cards. They pay the fees, not us. That is why they are so opposed to them. Make no mistake, if Durbin passes, we will pay more every time we use a credit card. They want to shift the cost from retailers to consumers, it is that simple.

What retailers don’t talk about is all of the benefits they get from credit cards. First they get the security, as credit card sales, unlike cash and checks, are immune to theft. This is no small benefit for convenience stores and gas stations. Next, the cost of the transaction is much less when they accept a credit card. Think of swiping your card at the pump versus paying with cash at a gas station and you can see how the labor costs to a business of accepting cash are significantly higher. There are other costs of handling cash from counting registers, to making bank deposits to employee theft.

There is no doubt that most people do not pay their credit card balance in full every month, and that credit cards induce people to spend more, another benefit for retailers. Finally, the electronic nature of credit cards has enabled the explosion in internet shopping. How often would you shop on a website that asked you to mail in a check or money order?

In the end, the swipe fees provide value to retailers, otherwise they would not accept credit cards. Very little if any of the cost of the swipe fees is actually passed on to consumers, and savvy shoppers earn back more in rewards. I, like most consumers will not be happy with the consequences of the Durbin amendment.

I urge The Consumerist to get it’s facts straight and oppose this terrible giveaway to retailers at the expense of consumers.

Disability And Personal Finance – Part 2 – The Process of Filing For Disability Benefits

By: Mr Credit Card

06/13/2010

This is part two of a guest post by abigail of ipickuppennies.net. You can read part 1 here.

Luckily for me, my mom was spurred into action. She got me to find a doctor and get my medications increased for the first time in four years. Additionally, she demanded I go back into therapy. Unfortunately, I had no insurance, so she had to pay out of pocket. Given that her savings was already going to supporting me – and that it needed to last during her divorce proceedings – I did have yet another thing to feel guilty about. During that time, the day-to-day onslaught of life was relentless. I felt like it took herculean efforts just to get through a day.

I often showed up to therapy in a t-shirt and PJ pants, unwashed hair pulled into a ponytail. On those days, the shower had seemed impossible. I couldn’t tell you why – then or now. I would look at it and, logically, I knew it wasn’t a big deal. But emotionally, it seemed painfully complex and difficult.

In short, it was not my finest hour. Yet it was one of the ones that forced me to take a realistic look at my life and to face up to some hard truths. Namely, that I was the d-word: disabled.
Getting started… sort of

After two months of putting it off, I finally completed the application for disability benefits.

Once the application was pending, I was eligible for state help. There was a program called GAU, or General Assistance Unemployable. Just in case we had any lingering sense of self-esteem. The actual program, though, was a godsend. It provided medical coverage – a relief when one of your medications costs over $400 a month – plus food stamps and $330 a month.

I applied on my state department of Health & Human Services website. I was called in for an interview about two weeks later. The social worker sent me to a doctor for a verification of my condition. Once that was rubber-stamped, I was approved for benefits.
There was only one problem with this program. About every month or two, you had to get forms filled out. A sort of progress report, if you will. The medical professionals say you’re still disabled, and your benefits are extended.

Sounds simple enough – except for a severe depressive. When my depression is at its worst, I abhor the telephone. Making a call seems daunting. So I was essentially incapable of making an appointment to see my doctor. When I managed that, I’d be too tired to make the appointment.

I missed just about every deadline for the forms. I’d then spend the last couple days of the month frantically trying to keep my benefits from being terminated. It was exhausting and stressful. On to p of it all, I was perpetually ashamed of what I knew, logically, should be simple.

The waiting game – Meanwhile, my main disability case was progressing at its bureaucratic snail’s pace. In all, my case took a little over 18 months. And that’s considered relatively speedy.

Here’s how a disability case usually goes:
:
1. Application: You fill out around 20 pages about your condition, abilities, and so on.

2. Callback: Two or three weeks later, someone from Social Security calls you to review your application and ask for more detail where necessary.

3. Doctor visit: If you lack a recent medical record, the SSA sends you to an approved medical professional for evaluation. (Always fun trying to prove something like severe fatigue.)

4. Waiting: Two to four months for a decision.

5. Rejection: I’ve heard of people with fatal brain tumors being denied.

6. Appeal: You fill out a short appeals form, asking for reconsideration of your case. .

7. Lawyer (optional): After the first rejection, you can hire a disability lawyer.

8. More waiting: Three to four months for a decision.

9. Another rejection: Most cases are still denied.

10. Hearing request: Ask to plead your case before a judge. .

11. REALLY waiting: They told me to expect an 18-24 month wait for the hearing.

12. Hearing: You have your day in court. The attorney is invaluable – mine said 95% of their disability cases are won at this stage.

I won – now what? – My monthly check was for less than $800. Don’t get me wrong: I was grateful for every penny. Still, when Seattle one-bedroom apartments went for $650-700, it’s worrisome.

My mom and I moved to separate apartments in a slightly rundown building, so our rent was $550 a month. That gave me some breathing room. Still, I had less than $250 a month left over.

I was lucky enough to have a close family member willing and able to help out. My mom helped me with a $20 bill here or there, plus, as a coupon queen, she regularly helped me stock my cupboards. Finally, she let me use her car, so I didn’t worry about bus fare, car insurance or gas.

I also still qualified for food stamps – less than before but still about $70, which cut down on my food costs. Between that and the semi-monthly runs to the food bank, I never hurt for groceries.

Lifestyles of the poor and non-famous – Abstractly, we all know there is help for people with low income. But once you start researching, you’ll find a surprisingly long list. The only caution: You need patience. Many programs have long waiting lists.

Seattle City Light gave me a credit on my electric bill. Since I rarely turned on the heat (I grew up in Anchorage) I rarely owed anything in my two years with the program.

I also received a credit on my phone bill. My usual bill was $20 after taxes – just a line that can receive calls/dial out – but instead I paid $12.

There were a couple of dental clinics that I could get affordable cleanings at. They were cheaper than the UW School of Dentistry rates bya pretty wide margin.

There was also the city’s low-income housing. But most of the locations required a car for any level of convenience – even for people without severe fatigue.

Don’t just stop there, though. There are usually non-profit groups that also arrange cheap housing. Again, you’ll be wait-listed. But it’s a start.

Other non-profits will help with basic expenses: low-cost mechanics, helping you get a car to begin with, educational classes to help you get jobs.

As a disabled person, I qualified for help from the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation. There, you get a counselor who works with you to find a job you can do and helps you find placement. At the time, though, there was an 18-month waiting list.

Low-income people can even receive discounts on things like pet adoptions. Instead of $50 for a cat, you’d pay $35.

So, there were ways to live on what I got. It wasn’t always comfortable, and I relied on my mom far more than I was comfortable with. But I did get by.

Where am I now? – (At 31)

Married – My husband is a wonderful man, who doesn’t care if I can’t work. He’s also very patient with my depressive symptoms. He also has chronic illnesses: severe eczema and asthma. We takecare of each other as best we can.

In Phoenix. Tim’s breakouts were constant and severe – even for him. They came with so many MRSA infections, we literally lost count. Phoenix’s dry weather and abundant sun keep his skin to a relative calm – at least for him. The sunlight also helps my depression.
Bipolar(?) My most recent diagnosis is Bipolar II. Essentially, the manic episodes are far less severe. The diagnosis does fit, based on what I’ve read. More importantly, the new medication calms down my most severe mood swings..

Finally, employed – A pure turn of fate, someone mentioned me to someone else who was considering adding a customer service representative. I’m able to work from home, and my boss is okay with me taking short breaks as needed, so long as I keep up with emails in a relatively timely fashion.

As a contract worker, I will need to keep Medicare for as long as I can – about six years, by the way – but I’ll officially be off disability checks starting next month.

Disability And Personal Finance – Part 1

By: Mr Credit Card

I recently came across a blog called I pick up pennies and when I read the about me page, I wrote the author of the blog (Abigail) an email asking if we could swap guest post. I wanted her to write about her disability, a bit about her personal finance and how was the process of her application to get disability benefits. One of the reasons why I was interested in that is because too many (if not all) personal finance blogs are written by abled body people who simply talk about things like retirement, passive income, investment etc. But to someone who is on disability checks, I’m pretty sure their world could not be further from what’s written in the mainstream press and blogs. To my astonishment, Abigail wrote such a personal and touching piece that I was floored when I read it. Regular readers here would know that I do my best to provide updates on the best credit card and reward deals. I’ve occasionally written about other money topics but today (since it is the weekend), I am going to stray further and present you with this wonderful guest post from Abigail. In fact, the post is so long that I am breaking it into two parts. I hope that this will give us an insight to another group of folks who have a totally different set of problems than many of us. It sure makes me feel having credit card debt (while burdensome and stressful) is not the end of the world.

I was 25 years old when I applied for Social Security disability benefits.

My background – I had spent the last six years in various forms of denial about my condition. A rare, neurological disease, Guillain-Barre Syndrome, had landed me in the hospital for about three and a half months, most of which was spent on life support. Along with temporarily paralyzing most of my body, the illness had made my lungs too weak to draw enough oxygen on their own.

I rushed back into classes fall quarter – only five months after leaving the hospital, and about three months after I had learned to walk unassisted. I had severe bouts of fatigue, but denial enhanced my usual stubborn nature. I was sure I could get back to a “normal” life.

Life After College – After I was done with college, I tried various forms of jobs, but nothing was sustainable. Part-time didn’t bring in enough money. Full-time work left me so exhausted that I wept in the shower each morning out of pure fatigue. Two part-time jobs left me too scattered – and still too exhausted – to keep up, though I was able to set my own hours to an extent. I also tried temp work, but anything for more than a day or two, and I was useless.

I did try some resident manager work and later added occasional temp work to the mix. Even so, there were things that, between the depression and fatigue, I just couldn’t handle.

Lost in life – So, at age 25, I found myself living with my mom. She paid the rent, and I tried to rest up. Also, I spent time trying not to think too hard about my situation: I was jobless, too exhausted to do much of anything, and dependent on a parent for basic necessities.

I felt like I had taken a wrong turn somewhere, but the only one I found was completely out of my control. I hadn’t gotten sick from carelessness. It was just a random (10 people out of a million get Guillain-Barre) and senseless fact: I contracted a rare neurological disease, and it utterly changed the landscape of my life.

So when my mom told me to apply for disability, I knew it was really the only viable option. Still, I was crushed. But what choice did I have? Even three-day temp work was impossible. And no matter how much sleep I got, I woke up exhausted, my thinking lost in a fog of fatigue. No matter what I ate or how much I moderated my activity, I wasn’t seeing any progress

Still, I put it off for nearly two months. I knew that once I filled out that application, I would be admitting to something irreversible: being disabled. That simply wasn’t me. Disability was an abstract, terrifying notion – and it was something that happened to other people.

I had been working since I was 14. Actually, 12 if you count babysitting. The summer before college, I worked two full-time jobs to help pad my savings account. The summer after that, I worked one full-time and one part-time job.

In my family, a work ethic was important. It wasn’t so much what you do, but that you do it in a hard-working, dedicated fashion. So to admit I might never be able to work again… That was akin to admitting I had been stripped of one of the basic tenets of my personality.

Lost in despair – About a year after I got sick, I started to fall apart. Denial gets a bad rap, but it’s actually an important survival tool.Have traumatic stuff that your brain can’t handle? No problem, we’ll just cut it down into bite-sized chunks. You can take it in a bit at a time.

Really, it’s only when denial lingers – when you never get around to facing the reality of your situation – that it becomes a problem. And that’s where I was. When I told people the story of the previous year, I ended with, “But I’m okay now. I get tired, but I’m fine.”
It took my therapist a good 10 minutes of back and forth to get me to admit to life support:

“You were on life support.”
“Uh, no I wasn’t.”
“Well, let’s see: You were on a ventilator because you couldn’t breathe.”
“Right.”
“And you couldn’t chew or swallow, so they had you hooked up to a feeding tube.”
“Yeah.”
“And they had a heart monitor.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So you were on life support.”
“No.”

Another time around or so, and I got very quiet. And then I started to weep. To admit to life support was to admit to true, devastating, life-threatening trauma. But I needed everything to be alright. I needed everything to get back to normal.

My therapist diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as depression – both from the illness and pre-existing depression that had probably always been there. I spent the next couple of years working with her and trying to get better, with varying degrees of success.

But, at age 25, I lost whatever composure I had maintained over those years. I was restless all the time. I was miserable, and felt tormented by my condition and my prospects for the future. While I had never considered the universe to be a fair place, I was devastated by the injustice being visited upon me.

What really got me, though, were the constant negative thoughts. The questions that wouldn’t go away. Could I ever take care of a child? Who would want a partner who couldn’t pull her own weight? Would I be a drain on my family forever?

As time wore on, the questions got louder, until they drowned out even the distractions I employed: TV, reading, Iming with friends. That is about the time I started having suicidal thoughts.

In retrospect, I’m sureprised they didn’t happen sooner. But at the time, it felt like one more weakness, one more failure – to maintain a semblance of sanity – in a long list of crushing defeats.

Stay tuned for part 2