So I take on a second job, cut spending everywhere I can, and let my wife know how important it is to me and how stressed out I am about our financial situation. She says all the right things, and seems to be making an effort to curtail spending. Then things get worse – an adjustable rate mortgage on our home has to be converted to a fixed rate now, or risk the negative equity from allowing us to do it later. Net effect – $800 more! During the closing, I see her credit card on the bank paperwork indicating a $2033 balance. The same card we agreed jointly would never carry a balance.

The simple truth is, she can’t control her spending, can’t honor a joint financial commitment, and would prefer to lie about it than take the heat from me on our monthly budget. Did I mention she hasn’t worked in a few years and I handle all the bills?

Recently she started working part time – not enough to make a hill of beans difference in our monthly budget, but every little bit helps – considering the mortgage is going up $800 a month!

How do you handle a spouse that lies about credit card debt?

Sincerely,

Frustrated over wife’s lie.

Thank you so much for your incredible comment. Let me take a minute to respond to what you said.

“Either you are a responsible adult accountable for your actions, or you are behaving like an out of control child.”

Yes. I totally agree with this. The older I get, the better I learn it too. I think a lot of people want to feel that someone else is responsible for their debt (or for paying it off). Our bankruptcy pretty much jerked the blinders off for us on that one.

I don’t know what it is. If it’s just not wanting to be responsible, or simply not being able to control yourself, or plain stupidity. I think a combination of the three is what happened to us. We’re learning, thankfully, but still…

“And another thing, the banks and lenders are smarter than you, they hire finance MBAs and PhDs who will work 80hrs per week figuring out how to get you in debt and keep you there.” Yes, that’s very true too. It starts young too – with ads like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETOnpBtN25c (Barbie: Shop on Credit Commercial)

“How do I know this – EXPERIENCE. I was married to just such a person; she duped me three times in our 8yr marriage.”

I am so sorry to hear this. You know, I don’t think there is anything I could ever say that would make things better, but I can say that I’m glad you are no longer going to be in that situation. Very glad.

It is hard when one spouse is undermining the other, and it’s pretty impossible to fix things if they refuse to stop.

Thanks again for taking the time to leave a comment and give us the benefit of your experience.

Barring all cases of bipolar psychological disorders or extreme domestic abuse, HIDING DEBT from your spouse is in the SAME category as CHEATING! It is a deception, a breach of trust on the same scale. No, your spouse does not run the risk of bringing home cooties, or getting some bimbo knocked-up as in the case of an adulterous affair. However, your spouse will most likely bring home hardship, disgrace, instability, struggle, distrust, great expense, and the ringing of bill collectors all day and all night. Oh yeah, and don’t forget all of the missed opportunities that go by while your working two jobs to pay back credit card companies at 29% interest. Worth it? C’mon people, has the collective character of our great country stooped so low in recent times? Are unnecessary goods, services, and keeping up with the Jones of more importance than the psychological, financial, and emotional stability within your very home?

I am what you would call a saver. This is the fashionable distinction to make these days; either you’re a SPENDER or a SAVER…whatever. Let me just say that I think this distinction is a load of crap. Either you are a responsible adult accountable for your actions, or you are behaving like an out of control child. The laws of money are based on simple mathematics that you learned in grade school. Apply them and you will reap success, forgo them and you will suffer more or less like those other fools out there right now getting foreclosed on. The banks and credit card companies don’t care how emotionally needy you were while you drank your $6 latte’s, bought a hummer, or just had to impress the neighbors with this, that, and the other thing. Unless you file for bankruptcy, you are basically on the hook, a slave to the lender. And another thing, the banks and lenders are smarter than you, they hire finance MBAs and PhDs who will work 80hrs per week figuring out how to get you in debt and keep you there.

How do I know this – EXPERIENCE. I was married to just such a person; she duped me three times in our 8yr marriage. Each time with a promise to change and that it would never happen again. I bailed us out of it each time, and when enough time went by and I let my guard down, she did it again. This third and final time I am forced to file bankruptcy, attempt to sell my house in a down market (all offers have been less than I paid for the home), my credit is ruined because she put my name on some of the cards which she never intended to pay, and to forfeit all of the sweat equity that I put into this home over the past four years of back breaking renovations that were done on nights and weekends after my 60 hour work week.